There are some things I can't explain. This is one of them. This urge to unburden myself to you. YOU, whom I neither know nor am likely to meet in the foreseeable future. If after reading this, you decide never to step virtual foot in here again you can trust me not to hold it against you. I am nothing, if not understanding.
So.
I am a geek.
I am completely, hopelessly and unmitigatingly geeky. Here are a few reasons why I will never be part of the hip Lychee Martini-sipping crowd and why you won't be inviting me to one of your so-cool-it-aches parties anytime soon. And I really don't mind if you cringe in distaste or pass snide remarks, but I implore you to do so in the privacy of your own mind, where similar ones like me, are not lurking around (you never know with these geeky ones) to witness and thus be emotionally and mentally scarred for life by YOUR insensitivity. You may however, tramp on me, grab me by the scruff of my neck, spit in my face and tell me to fcuk off because I am a blight on society. I will accept. Because I believe in offering the other cheek. M'kay, you can stop gaping now. I'm talking about facial cheeks, yo. Tsk..tsk.
In point form, for the sake of brevity, which, you know by now I totally rock at.
Fun Fact #1
------------
My Windows Update is set to run TWICE daily. I know, right? I actually CARE about my computer being up to date on the latest software changes and protection against new viruses. To YOU that may seem like paranoia, to me it's simply erring on the site of caution. Like for example, did you know that there is a rampant bug circulating around in Blogsville that is capable of deleting every blog post you've ever written? EVEN the archived ones. But I am vigilant. I am well-prepared. And protected to the nth degree so if it ever does come, all my 3484 anti-virus programmes will automatically engage, and start kicking it's dastardly ass.
Fun Fact #2
------------
I don't watch television. The couch hasn't felt the warmth of my butt in almost a year. Now, ya'll know that I am quite the TV addict so how, you wonder did I manage to wean myself off this crack? I didn't. In fact if I was spending 4 hours a day on tv shows, that time is now doubled. Bit torrent my friends, is the best thing since the almost bug-free xp. (it's quest for world domination notwithstanding. Recently realised that I *couldn't* no matter how hard I tried, uninstall MSN nor remove it from the list of programmes. It was not for want of trying but more a matter of not being able to FIND it. Anywhere. Very very sneaky these MS people.) With the advent of torrents, I get ALL my tv shows nicely downloaded in a matter of hours after they're released. And the one thing that makes me want to shout it from the rooftop? THAT I won't have to wait 3 WHOLE months for it to arrive on our shores which I had to before torrents, since I don't live anywhere near the North American terrain but on some backwater, godforsaken tiny-ass island. AND the newest Korean dramas which my mom is a rabid fan of. Oh darling torrents, what would my life be without thee?
Fun Fact #3
------------
I am more likely to be thrilled and driven to the knees by this then say this. Those of you who fear for the safety of my soles, rest assured that I do not walk around barefooted. I am a geek, not a neanderthal.
Fun Fact #4
--------------
During airport security checks, guards have to forcibly sedate me before I surrender (even then, they have to pry it from a death-grip) my Nokia N73, which let me impress upon you, is not merely a phone. That would be tantamount to saying that whiskey is only an alcoholic beverage, and we all know, that is a lie created by drinkers of the vile spirit, GIN. We being more evolved, recognise whiskey for the heavenly nectar it is and acknowledge that it's the ONLY thing worth poisoning our livers with. In the same light should you view My Precious, for it takes pictures of such awesome clarity, such rich colours that it begs the question...Surely this is a digital camera and not a phone? Oh! Oh! and still it does more, this phone that never stops giving. It stores videos(mpeg4) and songs, it FILMS, it employs one of the most sophisticated platforms for phones, it acts as my watch and alarm (without which I'd be an extra 17 mins late on top of the regular 24) and it tells me that today is Saturday 29th Sept which I wouldn't have known otherwise! So NOW do you see why? Of course you do, my whiskey-swigging, beautiful people.
Fun Fact #5
--------------
When Brad Pitt was hailed as the sexiest man alive back in his day, I was aghast and couldn't fathom the logic or lackthereof. Because really, WHAT did he have on Jon Stewart, my shining beacon of all that is hot and holy, the very epitome of peerless wit and possesor of beautiful, perfect brain cells. Must it really take a geek to see the wrongness of this?!
Fun Fact #6
--------------
I went into panic-induced spasm the last time a technician at the computer lab where I'd sent my CPU for diagnosis (it had mysteriously refused to start despite every effort of mine; always a bad sign) told me that my HD has lived out it's Seagate-intended lifespan (essentially, I'm screwed) and almost 40% of data can NEVER be recovered again. Ever. I wept long and hard. I accused said technician of hard disk murder and heaped curses upon his obviously incompetent brain and maybe even at one point questioned the legitimacy of his birth. I prayed fervently that in old age, he be stricken with advanced dementia and ergo, forced to live out the rest of his miserable days having no control over his bladder or any other bodily function. Now, I am not the best person to rely on for an accurate account of the day's events as I had sought solace in the warmth of Sir Beam and perhaps also Sir Walker (I cannot vouch for this) soon after and passed out, being very much soothed and coddled. Presently, I am still being treated for post-trautmatic stress disorder, never having gotten over the loss of almost 40% of data which really translates into the loss of almost 40% of MY LIFE. And that is how, life as I knew it, will never be the same again.
Fun Fact #7
--------------
I am obsessed with ingredient lists, namely food and skin care ones. I can spend hours reading up on ingredients that I happen to come across earlier in the day just to know what they do and how they do the things they do. Oh and of course proof that it's been clinically tested in at least a couple of peer-reviewed studies. A little tidbit, FDA-approved doesn't mean jack so do your own research. I am by now so well-versed in most skin/hair care ingredients that I can peruse a product's list and immediately identify a crap ingredient that's plain filler and a useful one that will actually do something. It's also easy to tell if the product is going to live up to it's ridiculous claims, which 99.65% of the time it doesn't. My current fascination is amino peptides and I have spent the last 2 weekends, comfortably ensconced in front of the computer reading endlessly, suffused in a glow of weird happiness despite the lashings of scorn from those who feel that weekends should be spent getting wasted in a pub with a bunch of insufferable swines. Because really, I am just that much happier getting pissed drunk in the company of my notebook with it's ever-giving source of entertainment and that will NEVER mock me with unconstructive words like "Boy, You sure suck at this!!" or "Woooo! I just kicked your ass again! Who's your daddy now?!",even if I lose every backgammon game I wage against it. I also have access to clean toilets, 247 cable channels if I so wish and the bed, THE BED is JUST there. For when you're like, comatose, you know, the state which usually follows that perfect state of drunkardness? Geez, I'm starting to suspect that none of you have ever gotten properly drunk, then passed out, before. Seriously, do you honestly want to wait for a cab when you can barely walk and can't remember where you live? Isn't it nice for once to pass out on your own bed? Think about it.
So, in baring my soul, I hope that I and you (come on, really. You know This was about me. Thus I come before you) will come to understand myself and my neuroses a little better. Oh stop judging me. What? Like you are SO pristine perfect and I'm the only perpetually-intoxicated, abuse-hurling neurotic nerd you've ever met? Chyeah. BUT the point is, what have we learnt from my soul-baring endeavour?
Uhm yes, APART from the fact that booze is always useful in any situation. Let's focus, people!
We have learnt:
1) That geeks are not the stinky pariahs of society you think they are and can often turn out to be one of your everyday, average person. Like me. Who is most definitely not stinky and who in fact favours L'Artisan Parfumeur The Pour un Ete if you must know.
2) You will never need extra shoe closet or space for your geek. Like EVER. You will NEVER have to go shoe shopping or learn the intricate difference between a Manolo Blahnik and a Jimmy Choo. An external, 1 terabyte HD will do, thank you very much.
MOST importantly, beautiful ones, we learn (for the uninitiated) and we re-affirm (as the connoisseur) that:
3) Whiskey is a God-sent. (like you people will let me forget)
And verily I say unto you, go forth and spread the word and 'lo you shalt be richly blessed.
P.S I am still human after all and not infallible. There are times when I am susceptible to some very human and very non-geek cravings. Like pan-seared kobe beef, huge chunks of gouda cheese, Wentworth Miller, infinite supply of creme de la mer everything and Royce chocolate delivered to me. Every day. For the rest of my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment